Only Paradise
by HigherGround2
Summary: Jane is giving up. It's been a long time, and she's tired of fighting. The voice in her head leads her to lying on her floor in a pool of her own blood. Will Maura get there in time, and will Jane be okay? CAUTION: Mentions of self-harm. If triggering, please don't read.
1. Screams to Whispers

**So, I had this in mind and just started writing.**

**CAUTION: Mentions of self harm. If triggering, please don't read!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the story. All characters belong to TNT.**

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Blood quickly dripped to the floor in perfect droplets. She took a step backwards, her back making contact with the wall behind her. Slowly sliding down to the floor, she stared at the deep cut she had just made herself. The knife she used clattered to the floor startling her, but she didn't move her eyes away from her now red, bloody wrist. She knew it was impractical. It wasn't the easiest way, and fastest way to die, but she didn't mind. She liked the pain. It made her feel alive. Although, what she was trying to achieve out of this was not life, but death.

She's so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of pushing through. She just wanted to give in. Give up. So many times, she's had the opportunity, so easily, and finally, today, she gave in. Gave in to the voice. The voice who told her to get the knife. To take it to her skin. The voice who was there with her, all the time. Her savior in a storm. The only person that was there for her these past few months.

The voice she could talk to. Who understood. But who also hurt her the most. The voice that controlled all of her actions. Sometimes it was hard to listen to the voice. But, it was her only choice. Maura gave up on her. They stopped talking.

'You're a murderer. You're a killer. You deserve it. There's no one else in your life. No one who cares about you anymore. It will never get better. I am here for you. I can help you. But you must listen to me. I can help you.'

That voice. The one who talked to her all day long, who put her to sleep, who comforted her. Who convinced her. "I know! I know! You tell me that! But nothing is better! You lied! I'm not getting better!" Jane screamed to that voice. The voice only she could hear.

'Jane, I promise. I will help you. This, will help you.' The voice said referring to Jane's bloody wrist.

"I'm tired. I'm tired of running. I'm exhausted. I just want it to stop! Please! Make it stop!"

'This will.' Then the voice left Jane. There. Bleeding on the floor. Dying slowly. Jane didn't stop it. She didn't try to save herself. She knew this way, the voice would leave her alone. This way, she wouldn't feel sad anymore.

Jane fell on her side to the floor. She lay there, bleeding out in the middle of her bathroom floor. Tears cascaded down her face, falling to the tile flooring. No one could ever see these tears. No one would ever know how much pain she was in. No one would find out about how weak she was until she was dead, when she couldn't care anymore.

Jane could tell that everyone thought something was off with her. But no one would know this deep until they found her. At work she had controlled herself enough that no one would expect her to shatter into a thousand pieces. No one. She would never ever let that happen. No one would know the real Jane Rizzoli. No one would ever find out about what exactly was happening to her as they watched her. No one would know as she moved around the precinct, the morgue, a crime scene. No one would know her thoughts.

She is still alive. Awake. Alert. She pulls herself up. Arms limply hanging down by her sides. Her right one still dripping with blood. With her left hand she clutches the sink, steading herself. Looking into the mirror, at the person she used to be. Now she's just the shell of her former life. Her olive skin is pale, deep dark circles are resting under her eyes. They are never going to go away. They haven't lately, and they never will. Her eyes are a black color. They are not like her old ones, which held life.

That voice is gone. And Jane tries to tell herself she is okay. She will be okay. She just needs to stop the bleeding. She will be okay. But, as she looks to the dying, desperate girl in the mirror, she knows she isn't okay. She won't be okay. She's lying to herself. She knows it. The smile she sports at work doesn't reach her eyes, and it's fake anyway. She wonders if her colleagues notice it. If they know it's not real. No. They don't care about her anymore. They don't see what is really there in front of them. They're smart, but they can't see through the façade.

The voice has clouded her judgment. Jane doesn't realize that it's wrong. She doesn't realize that the voice has made her forget her former self. The person, everyone loved, and cared about. Jane has forgotten that person. Just like everyone else. She was changing but the other detectives didn't notice, because they saw her daily. They didn't see the small changes from the other Jane.

'You're nothing. You're nobody. No one will miss you.' The voice is back. Jane listens. Jane believes that voice is right. 'Once you're gone, you will just be a sad memory. Of someone who always got in the way. You are going to slip into the background.'

Jane once again listened. Jane thought back to the people at the precinct. Jane remembered seeing their looks, asking, where had Jane gone? She remembered the look in each one of their eyes. The desperation. Then she had ignored it, when really, all she wanted to do was scream. Scream at them that Jane was gone. Jane was never coming back, because she had to be punished for what she did. Everything she's ever done. Every person she's killed. Every person that died because she didn't figure it out fast enough.

'Nobody loves you. You hurt people. You're worthless. But, if you listen to me, I can help you. Listen to me Jane. All your pain will go away forever. I can help you forget. Forget everyone you've hurt, I will help you forget the people who don't care about you.'

Jane once again listens. Because she doesn't have anyone else to listen to. No one else has made those promises to her before. Nobody but that voice. Jane inches her way to the floor again, lying down on it. She feels like she's sinking into it. Nobody has been there for her. Her family has taken Maura's side. Told Jane to just go apologize. But that voice, that voice was the only one who was on her side. Everyone turned on her. Everyone. They all walked away. Now it was just Jane and the voice.

Where was the girl who would smile, and go have drinks with the guys?

Where was the girl who would laugh, and be so carefree?

Where was the girl who never worried?

Where was the girl who poured her heart into every case?

Where was that girl?

Where did she go?

Jane knows the answer. That girl disappeared when the voice came. This voice took her away. This voice that made her feel safe, like she wasn't alone. That whispered words to her, and told her that as long as she did what she was told, the old Jane would come back. That there would be no more pain, and just happiness.

More tears slide down her dying face. She wraps her arms around herself, as she begins to shake. She knows death, unconsciousness, will come soon. Soon she'll be able to not feel guilty. She won't ever be scared anymore. She'll be at peace. She counts the breaths she's taking. One, two, three. For the first time in the months since she's gotten that voice, which resides in her head, she's ignoring it. She refuses to listen and believe it. She ignores the voice saying 'It's okay. Listen to me, and there'll be no more pain anymore.'

The pain is taking over her body. It burns her insides. It tears her body apart. She bites her lip, to keep from screaming out in pain.

'You're not listening to me. You deserve all the pain you get. If you will listen to me, I will stop the pain. You'll never feel it again.'

"You promised! You said the pain would be gone a long time ago! Why should I believe you now? You liar! You have always lied! Go away!" Jane yells. She slowly moves her arms up and holds her hands tightly over her ears. She wills the voice to disappear once again. "I gave up everything for you! I trusted you!" She sobs. She tries to ignore the pain. Tries to focus only on one thing. Dying. She focuses all her energy into dying. Hoping that it will speed up the process.

'You will never get rid of me. You are weak. So weak. I will always be here. With you. No matter what!' The voice booms. It breaks into her reverie. Jane shakes her head, trying once again to focus on death. The end result. Everyone comes to it. And now, Jane decided, was her time. 'Pick up the knife! Do it now!' It yells to her.

Jane gives in. Why not? Just one last command before death. She can feel it coming. She's getting even more tired. Her eyes are drooping, and she knows once she does this, she will be gone forever. No one will come. No one will save her.

She picks up the knife. It rests in her hands before the voice speaks once more. 'Slit your other wrist. You'll get rid of me faster.' Jane will do anything to be free of the voice that has had control over her. She guides it to her left wrist, not thinking. Not focusing on anything else. She only focuses on the blade that is about to make contact a second time to the fresh skin.

The dark red drips down her forearm. Jane knows the end is coming soon. She lies back down once again, closing her eyes, she hopes this is the last time she will see anything of this life. The life that has caused her so much pain. So much hate. The life where everyone she ever got close to, left her. Abandoned her. Left her to this moment. Left her to die.

She refused to open her eyes. Afraid that if she did, that everything would get better. That she would be better. She didn't want that. She didn't want to be okay. She wanted nothing of this life. Nothing ever again. She wanted to die.

That's what scared her. The want to be dead. That hurt more than anything else.

The need.

The want.

The suffering.

She wanted to die. Once and for all.

Never coming back.

She didn't think about the people she would be leaving behind. They didn't care anyway.

But, then she felt it. The warmth of someone else. The presence. She felt someone wrapping their arms around her dying, shaking body. Somebody talking to her. Whispering to her. She opens her eyes. "You care." Was all she said.

And in that moment, Jane decided she didn't want to give up. She wanted to live. To fight.

"Of course I care. I never stopped caring. You did, sweetie. You were the only one who stopped caring. I'm so sorry. Please, live. Please live, for me. Fight, Jane. Fight."

"I will." Jane told her. The person who had abandoned her for months. Who never spoke to her. "I will fight, Maura. I promise."

"Hold on." Maura said as tears fell down her face. She was clutching at Jane's wrists. Holding them as tight as she could, to try and stop the bleeding. Maura looked down at Jane. Her best friend. The person _she_ made resort to self-harm, who _she_ made resort to ending up lying in a pool of her own blood.

"I don't want to do this anymore." Jane told Maura. "I want to be happy again."

"I know. I know, sweetie." Maura choked out.

Jane looked to the doorway, she saw Frost on the phone, calling for an ambulance. Korsak wasn't there. He was at the front door waiting for the medics.

"Jane, I need to tell you something." Maura paused, looking down to her best friend in the whole world, even though she didn't act that way these last few months. "I love you. I love you so much. And I'm sorry! Please hang on. I can't live without you Jane. Please."

"I love you too, Maura. I love you." Jane said as the paramedics lifted her up onto the stretcher.

Jane closed her eyes, and for the first time in a long time, she felt like she wanted to live. To survive. She wanted to be happy again. She wanted to be loved. She wanted people to care for her. And this, what they all just did, proves that they care. She would be okay. She would get help. And she would be okay.

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**So what do you think? I am thinking of making this a multiple chapter story, but I don't know. Let me know what you think!**


	2. Hospital Beds

**So, I know this is kinda short, but I thought I'd reward you all with another chapter today! Thank you so much for the reviews, subscriptions, favorites! I really really appreciate it!**

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Jane sat there in the hospital bed subconsciously rubbing the gauze on her wrist with her thumb. She heard a knock at the door and when she looked up she saw Maura. Maura walked toward the bed and sat down in the chair next to it, watching Jane.

After a long while with no words spoke between them Maura was getting anxious, and just as she was about to say something, Jane spoke so softly, she had to wonder if she really heard what she said. "How did you know?" Jane asked.

It took Maura a few seconds to organize herself before she finally spoke. "I had a bad feeling, that something was very wrong."

_Maura walked up to the elevator and stepped in when it opened. She pressed the button that would lead her to Jane. The person she felt like something bad was about to happen with. Maura hadn't been in this part of the building in a long time, and she hadn't spoken to Jane directly in months. They had a horrible falling out over Maura's father's shooting, and the events after that. She hadn't seen Jane in three weeks. Although they didn't talk they did see each other when Jane came down to get evidence. Walking through the precinct to where Jane's desk lay, she saw that the chair was vacant. She saw Detective Frost, and Sergeant Detective Korsak, and approached them. "Hello, Dr. Isles." Korsak spoke._

_"Hello. Have either of you see Jane?"_

_Korsak and Frost looked at each other, and this time, it was Frost who spoke. "Sorry, Doc. You just missed her. She said she was going home and left about ten minutes ago. Why? Is there anything we can help with?"_

_"No. Thank you Detective. I just have a bad feeling."_

_"It must be really bad for you to come up here asking for her." Korsak spoke quietly. He did not appreciate that Maura had ignored Jane for so long. It was really affecting her. Korsak could see it everyday. Everyday Jane was a little different than she used to be. A little quieter. A little more focused on work._

_"Excuse me? That wasn't a very polite remark, Sergeant Detective Korsak." Maura defended herself._

_"Neither is ignoring her." Frost said. He would always defend Jane. She was his best friend besides Frankie. Maura decided to ignore their comments, and asked if either one of them could call Jane. When Korsak did, he got voice mail. Frost too._

_"She always answers her phone to you guys." Maura thought aloud before making a beeline for the elevator, "I'm going to her apartment. I think something's really wrong." Frost and Korsak looked at each other before deciding to follow Maura. They knew that in the past when Maura though something was bad, she was usually right, and they caught Jane before she had the chance to do whatever it was. _

_Arriving at the apartment complex, Maura got out of her car, and turned to look at the person who had just pulled up behind her. Detective Frost, and Korsak._

_They all went in and straight up to Jane's apartment. They knocked, and when Jane didn't answer, Maura took out the key she never gave back and opened the door. "I'll check her room, you check the rest of the place. Maura knew her way well around the apartment despite not being there in a long time. She entered the room, and took a good look around. Jane wasn't in here. Just as she was about to leave and search the rest of the flat, she noticed the bathroom door was slightly open and the light on. She walked over and peeked inside. What she saw made her blood run cold. "FROST!" Maura shouted. She ran over and checked the detective's pulse. Not what she'd like, but at least there was something. She gripped her best friend's wrists. Hoping. Praying, that they'd gotten there fast enough. _

Maura sighed. "Gosh, Jane! What were you thinking? Do you know what you would've done to me if you died? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking, no one would care. No one would care if I were gone. No one cared about me anymore. I could end it. The pain. The guilt. I've hurt a lot of people. And, that way I wouldn't hurt more. I wouldn't hurt you." Jane said. She was staring at her wrists, refusing to look up into Maura's eyes.

"Jane. I am so sorry. I'm so sorry, I could've prevented this but…"

"No. Maura, you couldn't-"

Maura interrupted, "Yes I could've. I could've called you. Do you know how many messages you've left me over the past four months? 463. And how many missed calls I've gotten from you? 631. Each time, I could've picked it up and answered. I could've stopped ignoring you, then this might not have happened."

Maura was right. Jane needed and missed her best friend. She had no one left anymore besides that voice. No one, and talking to Maura could've helped her. 631 calls. Jane remembered making every single one of them. In the beginning, just listening to Maura's message when she didn't pick up was enough. Then Maura had changed it. It wasn't her anymore, but an automated person. Someone who meant nothing to Jane. She remembered every single one.

_"Maura." Jane sobbed. "Please. Answer me! Please! I need to hear your voice. I need to talk to you. Please." Jane hung up, and she was sure if Maura ever listened to that message Maura would be able to hear the desperation in her voice. The tears in her eyes, and running down her cheeks. All she wanted was her best friend back. To laugh with her again. Jane threw her phone across the room, it colliding with the wall breaking into a thousand pieces. Quickly Jane stood up, wiped the tears from her cheeks, and went out to the AT&T store to buy a new phone. Just so she could call Maura. Again._

"You never called me back." Jane whispered."Ever. I thought you didn't care. You weren't talking to me, so you must not care about me."

"Jane, do you remember when I told you earlier that I loved you?" Jane nodded her head and Maura continued, "I meant it. I know I haven't shown it lately. I was just angry with you. But, I meant it. I do love you."

"And, I love you too Maura."

"Your doctor said you could go home later today. I'll stay with you, or you can stay with me if you like." Maura offered.

"Thanks, but no thanks. I'd prefer to be on my own tonight." Just because Maura saved her and things were getting better, didn't mean they were automatically best friends again, and that they could forget all of it. Maura ignored Jane. For four months.

"Alright. But, if you change your mind, I'm here."

"Thanks."

"I'll leave you to rest, but please call me when you get home."

"I will." Maura then got up and left. Jane sighed and leaned back staring at the ceiling. 'Will we ever go back to normal?' Jane wondered.

~~~{Rizzoli and Isles}~~~

Maura opened the door to her house. She could hear Bass as he came over to greet her, occasionally bonking into things. When she met him, she patted his shell. "Hey, buddy." She took off her jacket and hung it up before going to her bedroom. Pulling on some more comfortable clothes, Maura lied down in the middle of her bed. She curled in on herself; she lay in the fetal position. Tears started to stain her cheeks. She caused this. She made Jane resort to what now had her lying in a hospital bed. Maura thought how everything was her fault, and she remained like that until she had cried herself to sleep.

~~~{Rizzoli and Isles}~~~

She stepped toward the bathroom. Peeking inside she saw her best friend lying there in a pool of her own blood. Her own blood ran cold as her ran to her. "FROST!" She yelled as she reached a shaky hand up to the detective's neck. She couldn't feel anything. Trying the other side of the detective's neck, she again couldn't feel anything. She was dead. She had successfully killed herself. Committed suicide. "NO!" She cried. She sobbed over the lifeless form of her friend. The person who had killed herself because of her. "NO!"

Jolting up in bed, Maura tried to calm herself down. Slow her breathing. It was just a dream. Just a dream. Jane's okay. She's going to be okay. Everything is okay. A fine layer of sweat coated the doctor's body, as she looked around to see what time it was. Eight thirty. She had been asleep six hours. Maura pulled her feet over the bedside. She slowly got up, and went to take a shower.

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**There you go. Tell me what you think! Also, if you have any ideas of what could happen, I'm always free and open to them! And, you might get an idea of yours in the story! I do always give credit for the idea!**


	3. Realizing Hurts

**Thank you all so much the reviews, subscriptions, favorites, and everything! **

**I have some ideas plotted out on where to take this, but any ideas you have I am so open to!**

**And, I got some reviews saying that they thought it was unrealistic for Jane to go home on her own, so I thought about it, and managed to come up with this. You'll see.**

**Also, I'd like to especially thank Crayolakid0413, and Ts for the reviews, because I have some ideas from your notes, so thank you! **

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Shutting the door behind herself, she turned around to look at the three men who were staring at her. Frost, Korsak, and Frankie had insisted they take her home. It took awhile, but she finally convinced herself that they could look after her for a little bit, and she had also finally convinced them to sleep in their own beds tonight, and her hers.

"Do you guys want anything to drink?" She asked as she shuffled over to the kitchen area. Pulling out three beers and a water she watched as they sat down at the island. The beers landed on the island and were retrieved by three thirsty, and tired men.

"Thanks." They all said in unison.

"Janie, are you sure you're going to be alright? I mean, you… you tried…." Frankie couldn't even say it. He was so dumbstruck that she tried that. That _he_ didn't see the pain his sister was in.

"I'll be fine guys. Now, come on. Go home. You all need it. You all need to sleep. You've been up all night." Jane escorted them to the door, and practically pushed them out. Once she was alone, she decided to call Maura.

'Call me when you get home.' she had said. She told Jane to call her. Jane had been calling her. For the last four months Jane had been calling her, and got absolutely zero answers. Never once had Maura answered her calls, and now. Now, she wanted Jane to call.

"Pathetic." Jane mumbled to herself. Picking up her phone, she stared at it. She was to call Maura, and this time expect an answer. Dialing the familiar number, she waited. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Four rings, and it went to voice mail. Jane pressed the button on her phone ending the call. Of course Maura would do that. 'She played me.' Jane thought. 'She told me to call. She knew I had been calling. She knew.' Jane thought. She threw her phone down. Tears spilled out of her eyes and down her face. 'So naïve. Why didn't I think she'd do that?'

Walking to her room, she looked at the familiar bed. All she wanted to do was lie down, and curl up in it. But she couldn't. She went to her bathroom to clean up. Walking in, her eyes were immediately directed to the reddish-brown stain on the floor. Blood. Her blood. Blood, that meant pain. Anger. Sadness. Blood, that meant weakness. She ignored it, and looked at herself in the mirror. Looking into her own eyes, she saw something she hadn't seen in a while. Determination. But, right next to it, was sadness. Anger, guilt. Why hadn't she thought of that? That Maura would do that to her?

Jane hadn't thought of these, because deep, deep down, she knew Maura would never do that to her. Maura wouldn't hurt her like that, ever again.

~~~{Rizzoli and Isles}~~~

Stepping into her bedroom, she looked at her phone. One missed call. She read the name. Jane Rizzoli. A name she had ignored for months. She had told Jane to call her. And, Maura hadn't answered it, just like she had been doing. Maura felt terrible. Jane was probably blaming herself right now. Blaming herself because she trusted Maura to pick up.

Maura picked up the phone right away, and grabbed a jacket, and her purse. Dialing Jane's number she got in her car, and immediately went in the direction of Jane's apartment.

"The number you have called is not in service at this time. Please try again later." The phone said. Maura had no idea what was happening right now, but a sense of dread washed over her. She knew it was naïve for her to think Jane would be fine to be on her own tonight. She knew it was naïve for her to think that Jane was just angry, and a little bit annoyed, and that's why she refused Maura's company. Maura also knew, that it was naïve of her to think Jane wouldn't try it again. Maura knew that people who had tried to commit suicide, and failed were prone, and vulnerable to doing it again. But Maura didn't listen. She didn't listen to herself, and for the first time, she knew what Jane was feeling. With every call Jane made to Maura. Maura was now at the opposite end of it. Now she was the one calling over and over again. Wishing, hoping, that this time, Jane would pick up.

Tears streamed down Maura's face. She didn't want to get there too late. This time, she might be too late, and that's what scared Maura. Also, the tears were for the pain she had caused. The pain that made Jane a cripple, vulnerable. Vulnerable to pain. Vulnerable to so many things, all that were caused by this simple act. This is what it feels like. What Jane went through. And, at that moment, Maura hated herself even more than she had been, ever before.

Maura pulled up to Jane's apartment, and jumped out as soon as the car stopped. Running up to the building, and to Jane's apartment, she knocked loudly, yelling for Jane to open up. It was the middle of the day on a weekday, so just about everyone in the complex was at work, or at least out of the building. She shoved the key in the hole, and opened the door wide and forcefully. Running to the bedroom she saw Jane. In a ball in the middle of her bed. Maura frantically looking around, looking for pills, blood, anything that would harm, or cause damage. She kneeled next to Jane's bed. Putting shaky fingers on the detective's neck to check if she had a pulse, she was relieved when she felt the soft bum bum. Bum bum. Jane's heart. The blood coursing through Jane Rizzoli's veins.

Jane's eyes opened, seeing Maura there next to her bed. Maura had an expression that screamed the word relieved. Tears sprang to her eyes at the M.E.'s presence there. 'Why would she be here? Why? All she's done these last few months have hurt me. Maybe I shouldn't be grateful she came. Maybe I should be angry. All she saved me for was just the opportunity to break me down even more.' Jane thought.

Maura saw the opened eyes, and also saw the tears. As one leaked out, Maura then realized everything Jane was thinking. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. When you called I was in the shower. I'm sorry, I should've waited. I'm so, so sorry Jane! I never meant to hurt you again like that."

Maura had apologized. Said she was sorry. Jane couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Jane, I want you to come to my house. I don't feel safe without you there. I'm afraid you'll…" Maura's talk just faded away. "Please. Please come. I need you there. In my bed. With me." Jane just nodded. She didn't know exactly what Maura had just said, but she was too shocked that she had apologized.

Walking into Maura's house, Maura went straight to the fridge. "Would you like anything?" She asked.

"No. Thank you though." Jane responded, looking around. Maura's house had changed since she had last been. Slight changes, but dominant choices. The stained glass window was now gone, and it was just a regular one. Some candles were done and whatnot.

They walked to Maura's room and sat down on the edge of the bed. Jane looked over herself, "I need a shower." She said and started moving to the bathroom.

"Here, let me help you." Maura offered. She moved to the bathroom where Jane was staring at her wrists wrapped in gauze. "I can…" Maura started. Jane just nodded, and delicate fingers undid the wrapping.

Once Maura got them both off, she left. Maura had refused to look at them. Refused to look at the scars, but Jane stared at them. The entire time, Jane just looked at them.

She stepped into the shower. It was turned up real high, but she didn't even notice. She didn't register the burning heat that came with each drop. All she could register was the red line that she had inflicted herself. She grabbed the soap, and carefully washed her body, trying to make sure there was no contact between the soap and the line. The line that meant pain. That meant she had given up. Weakness, but also strength. Because she got through it. She lived.

During the shower, Jane squatted down, and resided in the corner. She started sobbing. All the pain, all the emotions colliding together in this moment, came crashing down on top of her. Overwhelming emotions. She didn't know how long she was in that position before Maura was turning the water off, and pulling her out of the small space. She didn't realize that Maura had wrapped a big towel around Jane's shaking body, or that she had somehow managed to be lying down on Maura's bed.

Later, as she was falling asleep, now aware of her surroundings, Jane didn't understand how all of this was done, without her even knowing. Like, how did Maura manage to put her socks on? How did Maura put on her underwear, and bra? Her shirt and pants? How did Maura do all of this without Jane even knowing, or realizing? How had Maura get her under the covers, and on her side?

These were the thoughts Jane experienced as she fell asleep. As she drifted off into her most vulnerable state. As she veered away, as she meandered away, for the first time. For the first time in months, in Maura Isles' bed.

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**I have a lot of ideas, and a lot planned, so I hope you're all in for the long haul with me!**


	4. Fights Unravel

**Here you guys go! Thank you for all the support!**

**Also, I'm putting this on all my fics, I am starting school again September 4th, so the time between updates, my be even longer.**

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Jane followed her nose to the kitchen. The smells emitting from that room were incredible. And, behind the magic, behind the stove was Maura Isles. Cooking, and mixing, and creating. "Smells good." Jane said quietly as she walked in, leaning against the bar.

"Thanks. I made pancakes, and fruit. Here's your orange juice." Maura said as she sat it down in front of Jane.

"What is this?" Jane asked slightly confused. Was this some sort of apology? A bribe?

"It's breakfast. I woke up before you, and decided to make it. Breakfast is the most essential meal of your day. It boosts your metabolism and you have more energy to accomplish tasks. Also, there's plenty of medical health reasons to eat breakfast, where as you don't you could develop diabetes, or have bad cholesterol levels."

"Yes, doctor. I'll eat it."

That was her Maura. The one who always stated the obvious. The one with all the facts. Who could be exceptionally embarrassing in public. Her Maura. The person she used to know. Jane still blamed her. And, Maura still blamed herself.

"I was thinking we could go back to your place after breakfast. You know, maybe have a lazy day. Watch some TV. Whatever." Maura offered. Seeing Jane's questioning gaze, she put in, "If you want to. I mean, I get you may not be quite comfortable with me there. I understand. I could call Frankie, or someone, or you. You can call them if you like. I don't want to be a burden to you." Maura spoke so quickly that it was difficult to understand what she was saying.

"It's… It's okay Maura. You can come over. I think I'd like that." Jane said, trying not to be rude. She didn't want anyone over really, but she knew she wasn't going to be let out of anyone's sight for a while.

They cleaned up after eating, then headed over to Jane's apartment. Opening the door, Jane let Maura go ahead of her. Jane knew something was up, because Maura had been silent the whole car ride, and she usually had some useless fact about cars, and driving, and whatever they were doing at the moment.

Maura walked in and looked around, like she hadn't just been there the day before. "Why'd you do it?" She asked quietly.

"Excuse me?" Jane asked. She was shocked that Maura had asked. Maura should know, especially since she had already answered that at the hospital. And, especially because Maura should know what she had been doing to Jane. What she had inflicted on Jane.

"I mean why? Why did you have the impulse to do it? What led you to that? Do you know what would have happened to me if you had succeeded?"

Jane couldn't believe what she was hearing. She shut the door so no one would hear or see what was about to happen. "What would have happened to _you_ if I had succeeded?" Jane seethed. "What would have happened to _you?_ Maura in _that_ moment, and right now, I don't really care, what would have happened to you. You _hurt_ me. _You_ are what drove me to that. You hurt me, and now you're blaming me for trying to stop it? I couldn't control what I was doing. I was moving, not thinking. I was moving mechanically." Jane slowly was inching up on Maura, stepping forward and her hands were helping make her point. "I couldn't… I didn't know what was going on really. I was absorbed in my own thoughts when I did it, so no, I didn't really have the chance, to stop and think 'What am I doing right now, and what will happen to the ignorant, self consuming doctor, that has led me here.'" Jane said in a mocking tone. She was fuming. "I didn't have control of what was happening. But, wait. Wait. Do you really believe that I wanted to do that? That my goal in life was to end up attempting suicide? Do you really believe that I want to be sad, and depressed? That I want to feel this way, and be treated this way, by someone I thought loved me? By someone that I thought cared about me? Is that really what you think?"

"Jane, you could've stopped it. You didn't have to do it. You have control over your life. No one can take that away from you. You are in control of your life."

"No! No I'm not. No I'm not, because of this voice. This voice is in control of me. I can't do anything to stop the voice, and neither can you. No one has the ability to control me, but this voice. This voice is the only thing I had left. This voice comforted me, soothed me. Loved me. This voice gave me everything I needed from someone. This voice was there for me. This voice replaced you." All the words came jumping out of her mouth at the same time. Rattling off her tongue. She didn't even realize that she was just now telling Maura something she hadn't told anyone about. Jane hadn't told anyone about the voice and now she did. For the first time she did. Her rant was cut short by the realization of what she had done.

"What voice?" Maura asked. Her tone was much calmer and quieter than it had been before. All the anger gone from her words.

"Nothing." Jane told her. She wished she hadn't said that. She wasn't meant to tell anyone about the voice. The voice had told her herself, that she would be punished if she was spoken about. A sense of fear now washed over her, she didn't want to be punished. The voice had been gone for the longest time since she's gotten it, and now it was going to come back. Jane didn't want it to come back. She didn't want those orders. She didn't want to be ordered around like some kid.

"Jane, what voice?" Maura asked, stepping closer, and lightly holding her, touching her arm.

"Nothing." Jane jerked back. Thinking quickly, on impulse she said, "You need to go. Come on." Jane went to her door and opened it, an invitation to leave. When Maura didn't make any movements to suggest she was going to go, Jane urged, and pushed her on. "Go, Maura. Leave now. Please."

Maura stepped forward. She was now completely and totally scared, and worried for Jane. Stepping to the door, and walking out, she obeyed Jane's wishes. The door closing shut startled her, as it bumped into her back. She immediately called Frankie, because Maura knew she couldn't stay with Jane without her getting even more upset at her.

~~~{Rizzoli and Isles}~~~

I shut the door, and then squeezed my eyes shut. 'Why would you do that, Jane? Why would you tell her?' the voice spoke. Opening my eyes quickly, and jumping like I had just been slapped, I stood there. Afraid to move. Afraid to do anything. Afraid that if I did move, the voice would come back, come back to attack me again. 'Jane. No matter what, the only thing that will get rid of me, is death.'

Jane didn't want to hear this. She didn't want to listen. She didn't want this thing to have control of her.

"Please, go away." Jane whispered. "Please. I don't want anything to do with you."

'You can't get rid of me. But, tell me. What was with that fight of yours? Between you and the good Dr. Isles. Tell me about that. She hurt you Jane. She hurt you, and here you are, pretending it didn't happen.'

"Go away. Please. Please, just go away." she again whispered.

'Tell me. Talk to me. Or, of course you can choose to get rid of me, once and for all.'

"How?" Jane was interested. She wanted to get rid of the voice. She wanted to stop hurting, stop being hurt.

'Same thing as last time. Kill yourself.'

It was like a brutal slap to the face. The bluntness of the remark. So simple, yet so… deadly. But, Jane was desperate. Maura was gone. She was all alone for a while.

Jane knew that it can take anywhere from half an hour to an hour to bleed out if she wanted to do that. Death would be about three minutes if she took a bullet through her temple. She had to bleed out properly before anything would happen. Hanging, she was just passed out for about three minutes before eventually death. A noose would break her neck, paralyzing her. Weighing her options, a gun was her best bet. She moved into her bedroom where the safe was. Turning it, and opening it, she sighed. Closing her eyes, and nodding. Maura was smart. Somehow, she had gotten in there, and taken Jane's service weapon, and her own personal one.

Hanging was her next bet. Finding a rope, strong enough to hold her weight, she moved over to the closet. Throwing the rope around the pole up top, she tried to put the loose ends together. But, how? How did you make a noose? How did you tie it?

Pulling the trigger, and hanging herself were both off the table.

Walking into the kitchen, she took a look around. No knives. Gosh, Maura was smart. But, there was another option.

I move my legs forward. They hold my balance as I stride to that room. The room I nearly bled out in. I step over the stain, and pull the shower curtain back. Reaching up, next to the soap lies something even Maura forgot. My razor. Smiling to myself, I know death is close, and for the second time, I embrace it. I pull it down, looking at it. It rests in my hands.

'Do it.' the voice speaks.

I take out the cartridge, and set the body of the razor down. Moving it closer to me, so my eyes can see it better. Skillfully taking out the small, fragile blade, I hold it between my fingers.

I step over to the mirror, looking at myself. I can see the circles under my eyes again. The pale fragile skin. In my eyes, I can see something. The word that comes to mind is giving up. I am giving up. I don't care anymore.

I move to my bedroom, lying in the middle of my bed. I stare up at the blade. The blade that can do so much damage. Devastating tears well up and spill out onto the mattress. I've been here before. I don't want to be here, yet here I am.

'You have control of your life. You are in control of your life.' The words echo in my head. They are pounding in my ears.

'I don't want to do this!' I scream to myself. Moaning, I get up and leave the blade on the bed. I walk to the kitchen, and get out a glass, and some water. Maybe that will help clear my mind. I raise the jug, ready to pour it, but I slam it back down. I tightly shut my eyes, sighing. I can't do this. I know I can't. But, I also can't ask anyone for help. Some people will say I'm too proud, and sure. You could call it that. I pick up the wine glass, and with as much force as I can, I throw it. Hard, and fast. It collides with the wall. And glass sprays everywhere. I grab another glass and throw it, again, and again. I'm so tired. I'm tired of doing this. Tired of fighting, pretending.

"WHY?" I scream, to no one in particular. "Why me? Why did I do it? Why did I take the shot? Why did I shoot my best friend's father?" I know the answers to these. Because he would've shot me too. He would've shot me, possibly killed me. And everyone else. Frost. Possibly Korsak if he came in. 'Why am I always the killer? Why am I always the 'hero'?' I think to myself.

I can't do this anymore.

I pick myself up from where I had dropped to the floor. As I make my way to the room where I'll end it, I pull out glass shards from my cheeks. 'Maybe Maura, will clean those up for you when you're on her autopsy table.' I laugh at my humor. That'll teach Maura. That'll teach her that actions speak louder than words. I pull on some clothes that are more comfy. 'Dying in comfort, huh Jane?'

Pulling the sweatshirt over my head, I think about everything I last did. My 'last meal'. The last time I had sex. The last time I had a real orgasm. All my last times. Were they good enough? Good enough to be forever the last ones? Sure.

I lay my head back on my pillows, and caress the metal between my fingertips. Remembering the conversation I had with Maura. 'Do you know what would have happened to me if you had succeeded?' I smile. It sure as hell doesn't matter now. As I raise the blade to my right wrist, I can tell that if anyone were to walk in they'd think I was exceptionally crazy, because I have a wide ass smile on my face that looks like I'm a nut.

And, as the blade, for a second time in a week makes contact with my skin, I feel strong hands overtop of mine. Pulling the blade away. And, wrapping me in a hug. Everything comes back to me, and I'm not lost in that trance anymore. I deeply breathe in the person's scent. The person who is lifting me up. "Frankie." I say, as he carries me out of my apartment, into the waiting car where Maura is standing.

* * *

**So, I got the fight idea from a fight a friend and I had the other day. **

**Also, I don't have any beta or whatever, I don't even know what one is, but all the mistakes are mine. I usually reread through what I have written, but if you notice any mistakes, feel free to tell me, and I'll go back and fix it!**

**Review please!**


	5. Punching Stone

**I'm so sorry for the wait! School is just so hectic and takes a lot of my time! But, my core teacher has us write everyday, so believe it or not, I am writing the chapters and updating, in a way, everyday. **

* * *

Maura was at her kitchen counter with her laptop on the island. She was very focused in what she had on the screen, and didn't acknowledge what was going on around her.

Frankie sat on Maura's sofa watching his older sister sleep. As far as they were concerned, Jane was on 24-hour suicide watch. Or, at least, however long until they figured out what they were going to do.

"What are we going to do, Maura?"

Maura, so delved into what she was reading did not realize Frankie had said something. Frankie, realizing that Maura didn't hear him gave up. He stood up, and started to pace. What was he going to do with his sister? He was very sad, and upset that she had resorted to that. Jane started to whimper in her sleep at the loss of human contact. Frankie then sat down and began rubbing circles into Jane's back again. Looking up, he saw that Maura's gaze looked distant. Like she wasn't really there.

Maura also looked weary and cautious.

"Hey Maura, what's wrong?" Frankie asked as he stood up and started to move closer to the bar. Turning around, Maura was fidgeting. "Maura…." Frankie started again.

"I-I was thinking about what we should do. For Jane I mean."

"Okay." Frankie was nervous. He had never seen Maura like this before.

"I-I was looking up things we could do to help her." Frankie nodded in a manner that suggested for her to go on.

When Maura didn't make any moves that would mean she would continue, Frankie spoke up. "Maura, what did you find? Whatever that can help her, we'll try."

"I-o-okay. I was searching for things in Massachusetts and I found some…" Maura's voice puttered out. When she spoke again it was much quieter than before. "m-mental hospital. I found some mental hospitals with good reviews. Of course I'll have to go and look around, and it's quite expensive, but I can afford it." Maura started rambling and as soon as she realized what she was doing she stopped.

Frankie nodded. He had heard things about those places, bad things. But if Maura thought it was okay, he was willing to believe her. Anything for Jane. "I'll help you with the cost. You can't do it all by yourself."

Maura didn't want to argue, so she just accepted it. She nodded and got out of her chair walking over to the couch. She lightly sat down on it and placed her hand on the sleeping Jane. "I just wish she'd go along with this as well. I know she doesn't owe me anything. I owe her so much including this. I know it'll be hard to get her to accept it." Maura spoke, more to herself than the other people occupying the room as well.

"This is for the best. And she will refuse, I know. But sometime she'll see it's for the better."

"I know." Maura conceded. Just then Jane started to stir. She opened her eyes and they landed on Maura. A lot of different emotions went through her head at that same moment.

Hate, anger, rage. Sadness, confusion. All shown so clearly in her eyes and expression. Jane obviously didn't know why she was there. She had remembered falling asleep in Frankie's arms in the stairwell at her apartment, but ending up with Maura is not what she wanted.

She pushed herself up, subsequently making Maura stand. "Why am I here?" Jane demanded.

"We thought it'd be best," Frankie boomed from behind the couch. It caused Jane to turn and look at her brother. She had not realized he had been here, and immediately her eyes softened.

"Frankie," Jane whispered. She was ashamed that Frankie had seen her like that. Frankie was her brother, family. She didn't care about Maura. Maura was no longer family and had shown that a while ago. "I'm so sorry," she again whispered.

Frankie nodded his understanding. "Would you like anything? Food, water?" Maura asked her. She didn't want to tell Jane. Firstly because she knew Jane would be more upset with her and also because she didn't know what Jane's reaction would be. Surely she'd be upset.

"No." Jane coldly stated. Maura felt a twinge of pain. She knew what Jane wanted to do, and they kept stopping her. They kept forcing that endless retreat away from her.

Jane's brown orbs pierced through Maura. It's like they were causing a hole to be formed right over Maura's heart, her soul. "I don't want anything from you." she seethed.

Maura nodded, trying to control her tears. "I-I'll…. I'm just going to go to the restroom." Maura stalked off quickly trying to make it impossible for the other two people to see her tears. She didn't make any eye contact with Frankie, and as soon as she was in her bathroom, she gave up and let her tears fall. She had lost Jane. She had lost her best friend.

Maura realized, Jane had been spending her time trying to get Maura back, and now Jane had given up. Moved on. Now it was Maura's turn. Her turn to go through the torture she had inflicted on Jane.

The hurt. The loss. The loneliness. Desperation. Sadness, depression. Everything. All of it. Maura hated it. She hated herself for being so selfish. So self consumed to not see what would have been in Jane's eyes all along.

She knelt down to the floor, a heap of tears. She stifled her sobs the best she could. "I-I'm so sorry Jane." she whispered. She knew Jane couldn't hear her, but she said it anyway. She needed to apologize and Jane wouldn't listen to her, so she decided this would have to suffice until Jane _would_ listen.

Five minutes later, Maura heard a knock on the bathroom door. She knew whoever was there had heard her since she wasn't so good at keeping her cries quiet. "Maura? Are you alright?" It was Frankie. Frankie, but the words sounded like Jane's. What Jane would say. Standing up, she wiped the tears from her cheeks.

As the door opened, Frankie took in Maura. She looked so lost, and he noticed her stained cheeks. Trails of red burned the pale skin that belonged to Maura.

Frankie shook his head. He felt bad for both Jane and Maura.

Jane because of what she was thinking. Her actions and the extent of them. That his sister was dying, depressed, and so incredibly sad, angry, and everything. He understood where Jane was coming from, and understood why she was filled with so much hate that was purely directed toward Maura. Maura had abandoned her, disowned her. Made her feel horrible. Made Jane's trust issues come back into play. Maura had made all the decisions to ignore Jane, made all the decisions to make Jane exactly how she was now. Broken. Part of Frankie hated Maura for that and applauded Jane for being so rude and mean.

Part of Frankie made him upset with Jane because clearly Jane had hurt Maura too. Frankie felt bad for Maura because she was suffering as well. Maura didn't know that it would end up this way. Maura just wanted Jane to taste some of her own medicine. Maura, in punishing Jane, punished herself in the end too.

Frankie walked into the bathroom slowly. He engulfed Maura in a hug, and they just stood there. They were both shaking with the effects of Maura's sobs.

Jane just stood in the doorway. She watched her brother and Maura as they sat down on the ground together, holding each other after Maura couldn't stand any longer. She absolutely hated Maura. Maura had taken everything from her. "Disgusting." Jane spat, and then walked out of the room and down the hallway. She wouldn't look back after she heard her name being called. She didn't look back until she felt a strong grip on her arm, stopping her.

Turning, with so much rage she pulled her arm out of Maura's grasp as quickly as she could. She didn't know in that moment what she was doing until her swinging fist made contact, and then was pulled back to her body, pain radiating from the source of impact. It crossed her mind what she had just done, briefly before she was being held back by Frankie.

She jumped at Maura trying to get out of her brother's arms. "You took everything away from me! Everything, and can't I just know why? Why me? I was so nice to you! I trusted you. When I shot Paddy, do you know why I didn't go for the kill shot like I should've? Huh? Because of you! I knew what it would've done to you! So I didn't. Then you treat me like this. You make me resort to trying to kill myself! You are nothing to me anymore, and don't believe that we are something and I still love you. You gave that up with the first unanswered phone call!"

Jane had calmed down considerably since when she had first started her rant. Frankie loosened his grip, but still held onto her.

The venom and pain washed over Maura, with the words and fierce punch to her jaw. She'd definitely have a bruise tomorrow. She rubbed the place Jane's hand made contact and forced the tears that had sprung up to not fall.

"I should've killed him." Jane said quietly to herself as she watched Maura move to the other side of the room to get the phone and call Frost. They needed help with Jane. Help that wasn't present at the time.

* * *

**So... that was tough to write. But, please review and let me know what you think. I'll try to update soon! **

**Have a great night, day, morning, afternoon, evening. Whatever...**


	6. Hot Chocolate

Jane remembered back to this one day. She was sitting in Maura's living room. She didn't know where Maura was, but that didn't matter.

Three candles were lit beside her, giving off a sweet scent and almost smokey scent. Something that fit perfectly for fall. A blanket was draped over her legs, and she was listening to Maura's I-pod through the stereo. A mix of Ben Howard, Bon Iver, Young the Giant, and the Paper Kites. Something she'd never listen to in her life, but it fit perfectly at this moment. The room was warm and cozy. Picking up the hot chocolate from the side table, she sipped slowly. The dim light in the room made her eyes strain to see the small black print letters that formed to make words on the page.

Setting the mug back down on the side table Jane looked up to the clock, seven seventeen p.m. She heard the furnace kick on, and sighed, thanking it. Maura's house was incredibly cold, and Jane snuggled into the warm blanket even more.

Despite the sudden burst of warmth, Jane's hands ached from the bitterness in the natural air.

She rubbed their origin - her scars - fiercely, trying to get the circulation back through them. She put even more pressure on them as she rubbed.

More pain. More throbbing. More cold. An even stronger ache came, and now it felt as though all the air that was in the room, all the warm air, was sucked out and now it was just bitter, bitter cold.

Warm hands were placed upon hers as a message to stop. Jane's brown orbs met Maura's and they softened, recognizing the comfort and worry that Maura's eyes possessed. Jane stopped the motions, no words said between them. They leaned back onto the couch, the blanket covering them both. They just sat there, Maura holding Jane's hand, lightly caressing it with her thumb.

Those were the memories. The memories they wanted to have with each other. Not the ones of fighting, yelling, and screamed words thrown to the other.

The memories of comfort, and being there for each other always. Liking each other and basking in the presence of the other. The ones where they were kind, and loving. Not this. Not like this. The memories of looking to the other and feeling protection, and safe. Not making eye contact and having your whole being filled with rage, sadness, loneliness.

The memory of falling asleep and waking with the other beside you. Feeling thankful that the other was there.

Those are the memories. The ones that are meant to last forever.

The metal on her wrists tightened. Sitting down, she waited. Thinking of these happy memories. Trying to distract herself from the bracelets digging into her wrists. The bracelets that meant bad. "You are in trouble". Bracelets for bad people. Why she was in them she didn't know. But she distracted herself long enough, so she wouldn't know for a while.

She drifted into the next memory. Mind taking over body. Mind overpowering senses...


	7. Metal Couches

Jane spun around, ignoring the two men who stood now, behind her. Facing Maura with tears in her eyes, she brokenly got out, "You can't do this to me. Please, don't do this to me."

Slowly, Maura's head went back and forth shanking it 'no.' I'm sorry Jane. She wished she could say it out loud, but it didn't come. Tears cascaded down her cheeks. Was she really going to do this?

Jane just looked at her with envy and sadness, brokenness too. The men led her from Maura's house to the awaiting car. As soon as Jane was out of sight, Maura fully broke down with no one there to comfort her.

* * *

It had been three days since Maura had sent Jane away, well, that's how Jane saw it anyway.

Every day she just lay in the bed until someone got her and made her do something. Jane felt what you would call numb. It felt like nothing made sense, and there was no point anymore. No point in life or enjoying anything.

She was slipping back to the state Maura had given her. She was slipping away from the promise she had made Maura as well.

Back to solitude. Back to sadness. Back to ignoring people.

Nothing made sense, Maura didn't make sense. Why would she do that to her? Anything else. Even counseling she would accept over this. But no. No, Maura had to send her to a mental hospital. And Jane blamed Maura for that with a force that was even greater than her hate now. Maura had just gone too far now.

Jane had no idea how she could ever forgive Maura for this. Ever. She asked herself that everyday, and it drove her mad. That voice was back, and it drove her crazy day and night. They had tied her down to a metal bed, so now Jane was unable to do anything but talk to herself and listen to that voice. Absolutely nothing would work. And, it literally drove her mad.

* * *

On the fourth day, Maura decided to visit. She went to the place that kept Jane "hostage." She couldn't go in though. There was a force keeping herself back and out of the hospital. She drove home, hating herself. Why would she be so mean? After everything she's done, why would she add to it?

The fifth day Maura made it inside, but not up to the desk. She sat in one of the big chairs in the front room just watching the patients walk around. If only one of them would magically turn into Jane. If only...

She spent another week doing just this, never really getting to Jane. Never really improving.

* * *

Jane spent all day, everyday just laying there and thinking to herself. The morning of the third day, she had been sedated and restrained due to her acting out against the incoming nurses and her own mind. It plagued her. Haunted her. She could no longer function correctly. No longer do everything she used to. She was slowly becoming broken and no one was there for her. No one was there at all.

Maura left her. Her family blamed her. Everything was going down hill, and fas. Nothing anyone did helped, or even prolonged the state she acquired. She was losing hope and every little thing she had gained since Maura found ehr bleeding out. The only emotion she had was the fear that now, again, she wanted to die.

* * *

**Hey amazing readers! Yes, I mean you! Yes, you too. Okay, now that I've got your attention, I just wanted to say that my updates will most likely only be in the weekends. I don't know if I've said it for this story, but I'll say it again for those of you that didn't get that memo.**

**Also, I am having a big case of writers block, so if you have any ideas whatsoever, for the next chapter, or one further down the road, please say them. I'm always open to suggestions, and I love them! **

**And, please review! They are my inspiration, and I can guarantee you, the more reviews, the faster the update. Even if you just say "hi" or "this story sucks" I really would like to know, and would like to hear from you!**


	8. Meet the Parents

Maura got the family together, and now they were all sitting around her dining room table. Frankie, Angela, Frank Sr., Tommy, Korsak, Frost, and her were all there. Even though Korsak and Frost weren't really "family", and neither was she, she felt like they should be in the loop since they were a big part of Jane's former life. They all needed to talk about Jane's condition, and what they need to do to help her.

"Thank you all for coming. I'm glad everyone could make it. I called us all here today on behalf of Jane, and what we should do to help her. I know it's hard, and I know that nothing can be officially decided without Jane's input, but I'd like to know what you all think. Would anyone like to start?" Maura spoke. No one's head shot up at the opportunity, and no one looked at Maura. "Angela? Could you please tell us all what you are thinking?"

Maura sat down from her standing position, giving Angela a nod to encourage her. Slowly Angela's head raised, and her eyes met everyone else's before she began talking. "What I think is I don't want my baby to be locked up in some psycho hospital, and I don't want you to be the decision maker of my daughter's care. You made her like this, and I can't help to think I'd destroy you if she were to die."

Angela's words were said with venom and they stung Maura to the highest extent. She truly felt horrible.

"That is all I have to say to you about my daughter," Angela concluded.

Maura nodded. "Someone else?"

It was Tommy who spoke next. "You know I haven't been there through all of this with Janie, but I trust Maura. Yes, Ma, Maura kinda was the person to put Janie in this situation, but if Maura believes that in order for Jane to get better, a mental hospital is the right place, I trust her with that. Maura's probably the smartest person in here-"

"-Speak for yourself," Korsak said trying to lighten the mood.

"-And if that's where she believes Jane should be, we should go with her on that. No one in this room knows better than Maura," He finished.

"Tommy's right, Angela," Frank Sr. spoke. "We should go with Maura on this decision. Whatever happens to Janie though, it's on you Maura." he said.

Maura nodded, once again, to the both of them, grateful they were on her side. She knew Angela was right though. All of this was because on her, and she had no right to be making these decisions trying to fix it. All she's really doing is messing things up. Creating new problems. She's just putting fuel on the fire where she shouldn't be.

Maura, if Jane were to want to kill Patty, she would've taken the shot. She would've killed him. But, she just shot to injure, which is not what we are trained to do. We are trained to kill, and if anyone found out that she missed the shot on purpose, anyone that matters, she would've been in a lot more trouble. She didn't kill him for you. She risked her job for you," Korsak began.

"Guys! We need to stop blaming Maura for all of this. We just need to figure out where we go from now on. We need to take a look at the present and decide what we need to do to help Jane," Frankie half yelled. "Do we take Jane out of the place, or keep her there? We need to decide, and all agree on the same thing. That's why we're here. Not to make Maura feel even worse."

"Does anyone know how it's going in there? Is she getting better or worse and would it be beneficial if we were to take her out or would it do more harm than good?" Frost asked.

Everyone looked around to each other. No one besides Maura had been there to see Jane, and Maura hadn't even gone up to the front desk to ask for Jane. They all realized that was their first mistake.

"No one's been to see her? At all?" Korsak asked.

Everyone shook their heads "no." All heads were tilted down in shame.

"I went," Maura spoke up. "I went, but I never made it up to the point to go to the receptionist's desk and ask ro see ehr. I couldn't bring myself to."

"It's alright. We understand," Frankie said.

"No! No, I-I don't. You went. You went to visit her and you're so selfish as to not go and visit her? You're there, and you can't even get enough strength to ask for her. That's pathetic. You're pathetic," Angela chided.

Everyone was quiet after that. No one knew what to say. "What are we going to do?" Frankie eventually asked.

"I think we should keep her in there for now, but tomorrow someone needs to go see her and ask the nurses how she's doing," said Tommy.

Everyone nodded their head. "I'll go."

"Okay. Frankie'll go see how she's doing tomorrow morning. Then we'll all meet up again and discuss where we go from there. Thank you all for coming. We'll see what we should do tomorrow."

Maura stood up and silently ushered them all out into the cold night. They all departed and left and once again, Maura was alone. Angela was right. About everything. It was all her fault. And now, everyone should blame her because it was all her fault.

She made dinner for herself, spaghetti and garlic bread with sausage and a balsamic vinaigrette side salad. She was cleaning up when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, she was face to face with a soaked to the bone Frankie. "Hey Maura."

"Frankie! Come in, come in. What are you doing out there? It's pouring down rain!"

"I needed to think, so I took a walk. At that time it wasn't raining, and when it started to rain hard, I found that I was in your neighborhood. I hope I'm not interrupting anything," he explained.

"No, no not at all. I was just cleaning up. Is everything alright? Can I help you at all?"

"No, it's alright. I was just thinking about Jane. I'm worried for her, you know?"

"Yah, I am too. You know what, come in. Sit down. I'll get us some water."

Frankie went and sat on her couch while Maura got the drinks. "I am worried about her. Maybe I shouldn't have sent her to the mental hospital without asking your mother first. She's right. I had absolutely no right to do that to her."

"It's okay. My mother;s just upset and she does understand. Right now it's just easier for her to blame you."

Maura stayed quiet. No matter how rational Frankie sounded, she still believed everything Angela had said to her. She still blamed herself.

"Don't do that. Don't blame yourself. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, Maura. You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I know. But I feel like I need to. _I _put Jane in this situation. _I_ made her do what she did. _I_ caused everything."

"Maura," he said in a tone suggesting he was warning her. "this isn't your fault-"

"Yes it is! And I should be blamed for that. And Angela is giving me that. She's giving me what I deserve, and I thank her for that!" Maura yelled to him.

"I'm going to go and leave you. I'm sorry that you feel this way, and I wish that you would realize that all of this is not your fault and my mother is wrong. You need to see and realize this. I'll talk to you later, Maura," Frankie told her, then walked out the door.

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**So, what do you think? This was kinda hard to write, and I'm sorry if that shone through. Next chapter will be all Jane hopefully to fill up some of the absence in this one. I hope you all are still with me, and I'd like to know what you think even if you hated it. **

**I am having some writers block with the Maura angle. I feel like I am just repeating myself so if you have any ideas, don't be afraid to let me know. **

**I have many ideas for Jane's story and I really hope you stick with me. **

**Happy Thanks Giving to my US friends, and I'll see you all later.**


	9. Erin

**Hey guys! So I've been working on this for a while, and I think I'm pretty happy with it. I know where I want to go, and sorry but we may not see much more Maura. I'm not really sure.**

**All characters don't belong to me besides Erin.**

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Jane sat on the chair in her room. Her nurse, who was now known as Erin came in and started talking to Jane as always.

"How are you today?" Erin asked.

"Okay," Jane merely said. That was all she had ever said since she'd been in here. Erin had never heard her say anything else.

"That's great. Is there anything you'd like to talk with me about?" Erin expected nothing in reply but sat down on the chair by the desk. She waited for a response like always, expecting none.

"I don't know why she did it," Jane spoke.

Surprised, Erin nodded and asked. "What? What did..." Her voice trailed out and Jane's filled the room once more.

"She knows I hate these places. She knows they freak me out, she's seen it before. She's had to calm me down before after coming here, but no. No, she brings me here."

Erin nodded her head in understanding. She felt bad for Jane and also was a little confused, but more glad than anything that she was opening up to her.

"Is there anything I can do?" Erin asked.

"I doubt it."

The day went on and soon it was nighttime. Jane was thankful. When you're sleeping, you're not dead, but you also can't be conscious and hear such bad things being said of you. It was the perfect compromise. She dreamt of Maura. She dreamt of that night she went rouge and was fed up and tried to kill herself.

They say, people can sense when someone is looking at you, and when you wake up for no apparent reason, it may be because someone is perhaps watching you. This was true in Jane's case. She found when she woke up that Erin was watching her sleep.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you," she politely commented and began to move away from the door.

Jane smiled. "It's alright."

Erin moved back and entered the room waiting for Jane to say something. When she didn't, Erin made the first move. "What happened to make you want to kill yourself and try?"

Jane took a deep breath. This was sensitive and Erin knew it, but as her nurse, she really should know as a job requirement. But, even she was willing to risk her job and not ever look in the patient's file. She found that the easiest way to gain trust with the people she cared for was to only get information from them.

"Uh... my, uh. Maura. I-I'm a cop. I shot my friend's dad, and after that... she wouldn't talk to me. I-I called and stuff and tried to apologize but..." How did she say this? It's a huge story and she's never told anyone just what happened. But, Erin was different, she could feel it. She cared and Jane knew Erin wouldn't say anything. But yet it was all in her file.

"It's all in my damn file, why don't you look there instead of making me tell?" Erin was mocking her. Maybe she really didn't care and this is all just a big joke.

"I haven't seen your file. I refuse to look at it besides your physical health. I don't know anything."

She was telling the truth. The years she has spent as a cop prove that she can see when anyone was lying or at least they were questionable. Erin was sincere. She really didn't know. No matter how hard she tried to school her features, Jane saw right through them.

She explained everything quietly, even up until Maura had sent her here. Erin seemed pleased that she responded, but slightly surprised too. Jane timidly looked up at her. Erin smiled unexpectedly and gave Jane a nod, "Well I'm glad you're still alive," she commented.

A stranger. A complete stranger was glad she was alive. She made herself not take it to her head. She needed to not think about it too much. It'd cloud her judgement and Erin would be able to play mind-games with her. But still it was surprising. She wouldn't let that happen.

"Why are you here? Why do you care so much?" Jane asked. She couldn't figure it out. Why would someone like Erin care for someone like Jane? It made no sense to her.

"I guess I just care for anyone I see. No matter what I'd feel bad if I found out that someone tried to committed suicide. I'd feel bad no matter what even if I don't know them."

Jane understood her feelings, but still she couldn't really wrap her head around it. "You've dealt with probably hundreds of people. You can't really just feel bad for everyone whose tried to thought of it."

"Not to seem unqualified, but you are my first patient here. I started the day you came in and they put me to you."

"Why are you here? Really. Why are you telling me this? Looming in my room..."

"Your friend came earlier today. I just thought I'd tell you."

"What friend?"

"He didn't say. I just thought you'd like to know."

"Thanks."

Erin left Jane alone for the rest of the night. There was nothing more to say and she figured Jane might want the time to think things through. Erin was smart. She did need time. A man had been here saying he was her friend or something that Erin translated into friendship. But he didn't say his name. He didn't want her to know he had been there to see her. And he didn't want to see her.

Jane was tired and she really didn't like it here. She needed to get out. And soon. The wind left her lungs and suddenly she got claustrophobic. She needed to get out of here. She sat up just so she was moving. She needed to be moving. Erin ran in there very quickly and coached Jane out of her panic attack. After that she got to sleep rather easily with Erin still in the room. She trusted Erin and felt okay with her. This is what she needed. A person to lean on. That person was Erin.

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**So Erin is based on my Honors Core teacher. She's very much like this Erin and I just played to it. So this chapter is to EM. **

**Please review and let me know what you think. Hopefully the next update will be a lot quicker than the last, and I will see you next time!**


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